The psychology of success: rethinking resolutions with self-compassion
By Rachel Westbury
Have you had a hard time maintaining your New Year’s resolutions? It’s okay – you’re not alone. Of the 73% of Australians who set a New Year’s resolution, it’s estimated that only 8% achieve their goal. That’s roughly one in 10 people. Yikes.
So how can you increase your chances at goal-setting success? According to a UQ psychology expert, the missing link is compassion – for self, and even perhaps, for others.
Contact sat down with Associate Professor James Kirby, clinical psychologist and co-director of UQ’s Compassionate Mind Research Group, to unpack the psychology of success. He answered our big questions, including:
- What do we mean by compassion?
- How can compassion lead to success?
- What should we do if we don’t succeed?
- How do we start with self-compassion?
- Where can I learn more about compassion?
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What do we mean by 'compassion'?
Compassion is commonly defined as ‘a feeling of sorrow or pity for the sufferings or misfortunes of another’. But in the context of psychology, Dr Kirby explains that compassion is more than just a virtue.
“The core of compassion is about addressing suffering, and trying to reduce that suffering,” Dr Kirby said.
“In our model, we also talk about preventing suffering. Asking what you could be doing now that might prevent suffering 5 or 10 years down the track.”
Dr Kirby explained that compassion-focussed therapy can have positive impacts, not only at the individual level, but on a societal level too.
“A lot of us wrestle with fundamental questions around what kind of world we want to live in, or give to our grandchildren,” he said.
“These are all really compassionate questions – and ones that we can also work to address through a more compassionate approach to our goals.”
For some, the terms ‘success’ and ‘compassion’ may sit firmly at odds with one another. But according to Dr Kirby, this paradoxical view is worth rethinking.
“When it comes to self-compassion, a lot of people think they’ll just accept mediocrity, their standards will fall, and they’ll no longer push themselves,” Dr Kirby said.
“But we know that compassion is about addressing suffering and trying to prevent suffering – and we’re finding it has positive impacts because, after all, why would you want less for yourself?”
How can compassion lead to success?
Taking on your ambitions from a more compassionate angle might seem farfetched, but research shows it does work.
One study found that self-compassion played a significant role in participants goal pursuits and overall wellbeing. It found that the trait was particularly beneficial for goal motivation and achievement.
Dr Kirby explains that when it comes to goals, self-compassion is crucial to turning a setback into a comeback.
“Self-compassion is always about approaching your distress, especially following a setback,” he said.
“You’re not going to run away from it or avoid it, instead you’re going to approach it and ask yourself what’s going on.
“You’ll then start to relate to yourself with understanding, to validate and de-shame – which removes the threat, so that you can ask yourself ‘what can I do differently next time?’”
In pursuit of goals, self-talk matters. Dr Kirby describes the ‘head-heart lag’, which happens when your brain understands a thought, but your heart and body doesn’t feel it or believe it.
“Our brains and minds aren’t particularly good at discerning where a source of information is coming from. For example, someone could be yelling at you, and you might start to feel scared or fearful, or maybe even angry.
“But through research, we know that we can evoke that same physiological threat response in ourselves, when we berate or criticise ourselves internally.”
He said that we can put the head-heart lag to good use, too. Researchers found that when we speak to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and encouragement, it lights up the rewards centres in our brains.
“Compassion is this tremendous resource that you can use to calm yourself, care for yourself, or encourage yourself to do things that can feel challenging.”
What should I do if I don’t succeed?
Despite any blue-sky thinking, Dr Kirby’s advice on any goal-setting is to remember that we all fail sometimes – and that’s okay. What matters most? Your relationship with failure.
“If you have a lapse, and a lapse will happen, first, it’s not your fault. That’s most important, because there are structural, contextual and systemic factors that are going to get in the way, and it’s not your job to control all of that,” Dr Kirby said.
“When a lapse happens, you have to recognise how far you’ve come, and continue to review and reflect on your goals. Are they working? If not, you can always modify them to make it work better for your unique circumstances.”
How do I start with self-compassion?
Dr Kirby offered some simple exercises to help you bring more self-compassion into your daily life.
Compassion under the blanket
When you wake in the morning, before you leave your blanket, stop and connect to your breath for one or 2 inhale-exhale cycles. This will help anchor you to your breath in a mindful way.
Then, in your mind’s eye, welcome yourself to the day in the same way that you’d greet your closest friend. Say to yourself “Hello, [your name]!” or “Good morning, [your name]!”.
Finally, imagine the following scenario. If you could be at your compassionate best today, how would you be? How would you walk, talk, and interact with the world?
Dr Kirby explains that this might feel strange or silly at first, but it will help you connect with your compassionate self and set the tone for your day ahead.
“For humans, the tone of a voice is hugely impactful to how we relate to ourselves and others – it’s so important,” he said.
“A lot of people really struggle to feel or accept compassion. So, to start, the key is just to try to talk to yourself in a more friendly way.”
Imagine your ideal compassionate other
In your inner mind, create an ‘ideal compassionate other’. This can take any form you’d like – a landscape, an animal, or a human. What would your ideal compassionate other look like? What qualities would you want them to have? What would you like them to sound like? What would you like them to say?
You can name them whatever you’d like, remembering that they are just for you. Whenever you experience a setback or a disappointment, go to your ideal compassionate other to vent, talk, or seek advice. They want to hear from you, reassure you, and cheer you on.
“We can create this practice to start to slowly develop a support for yourself, which is a great stepping stone to building your sense of self-compassion, validation, and tapping into your inner wisdom,” Dr Kirby said.
Want to learn more about compassion?
You can find more information and practical advice on building your self-compassion practice in Dr James Kirby’s book Choose Compassion (UQP 2022), or through UQ’s Compassionate Mind Research Group.
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